Because I like owls

Look what I found!

Excellence in advertising. If I made coffee at home, I'd buy it. I hate to admit that advertising gimmicks like this work on me, but come on. It's an owl. Made of coffee beans. I bet it's delicious.

Things my owner says, #24

"I love you for your personality, but I like you for your holes."

Uhhh, thanks?

Things my owner says, #23

"Why do you hate it when I put my fingers in your pussy?"

"Master, I hate it when anyone touches my pussy."

"Oh. I thought maybe you just didn't like it when I do it because I cover my hands in dirt before I touch you there."

You....what?! Goddammit, I hate you.

Things my owner says, #22

I have been trying to find all sorts of ways to trick Master into not fucking me. None of them are working.

The latest?

"Master, don't put that in me! We can't have sex until we get married!"

"Listen, if I don't fuck you, Rick Santorum wins."

Goddammit. There's no way I can argue with that. You win again, Master.

Things my owner says, #21 (Happy Valentine's Day)

So, a friend of mine uploaded this picture to FetLife in observance of Valentine's Day:

Hah. Ahahaha. Master saw this and used his terrible pun talents to make me feel like the luckiest girl alive.

"Hey, that's not true at all. My dick gives you money shots all the time!"

(groan)

"My penis doesn't ejaculate money? I don't know what you're talking about. My cock is a total ATM machine!"

(groan)

"Get it? Get it? Hey, it's funny because ATM stands for ass-to-mouth."

Imagine me facepalming, pretty much just like the girl in the picture. Yeah.

Guys. I am sooooo lucky. I've got this special, special man all to myself. And his special, special penis. 

Things my owner says, #20

Today Master sprung the surprise buttsecks on me. I wasn't particularly thrilled about it, but it's kind of hard to say no to the guy, especially when he's pinning my squirming body to the bed and telling me bad things will happen if I don't lay down and take it.

So, he did the assfucking thing. It kind of hurt. 

I made a face at him afterward, and he gave me a hug and said "I know that wasn't fun for you, but thanks for doing your part to lower my risk of heart disease and prostate cancer. I'm so glad to know you care about my health."

Yeah. I totally volunteered for that because I was thinking about the health benefits of regular ejaculation while you were shoving that obnoxiously oversized cock of yours in my ass. 

Rawr, my ass hurts. 

Things my owner says, #19

I don't know why he feels the need to trick me into giving him blow jobs, since all he has to do is tell me to do it. Still, he seems to get a lot of amusement out of toying with me instead. This morning, he snapped his fingers at me and told me to kneel on the floor in front of him.

"Hey, my penis wants to ask you a question."

Oh, shit. He's going to do something terrible to me. With his penis. I just know it.

"...It wants to know if the whole thing will fit in your mouth."

No! I knew it! Damn him! Before I could respond, though, he grabbed my head and shoved it down onto his cock and wasn't satisfied until he was balls deep in my throat. That's no small feat, since the man isn't exactly what you'd call small.

Why doesn't he just tell me he wants a blow job?!